i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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