i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
