Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
