My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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