Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
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