I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
