I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
