i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
