I think I died a long time ago.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
