I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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