i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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