I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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