Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
