Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
she looked like the before picture.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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