no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
sarcasm needs its own font
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
