i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
