Old men and throwing up are my life now.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
the raccoons are back...
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