Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
