My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
