somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
