u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
