What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
