Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Do vagina's smell?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
