Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
