Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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