I met the friendliest cop last night
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
