i would punch a child for taco bell
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
foreskin is a definite game changer
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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