Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
