She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
