If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
