I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
