i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
There are leaves in my underwear?
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
