So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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