The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
