Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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