I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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