were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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