Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
