guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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