pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
