Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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