The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize