can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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