i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
