the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
We smell like vodka and hangover
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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