you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
