you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
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