I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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