Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize