I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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