Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
