When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
