He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
