I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
