It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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