im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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