I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
