i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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