ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Randomize
