Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
