just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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