The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
