we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
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