She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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