A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Randomize
