I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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