I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
