I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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