In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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