Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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