just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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