Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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