i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
