I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
is that a dick in a sweater?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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