he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
